Monthly Archives: July 2012

Channing Tatum Was Obligated to Grow a Mustache Because He Was Once a Male Stripper

 

Matthew McConaughey Channing Tatum* gets a pretty bad rap for his acting, because he’s pretty bad at it and he’s in mostly garbage movies. However, he managed to squeak out a nice performance in the 1993 “coming of age film*” Dazed and Confused 2012 buddy cop comedy 21 Jump Street.

*I thought for sure this was a stage name, but his parents are responsible for it and hopefully not much else.

Matthew McConaughey as David Wooderson

 

Matthew McConaughey gets a pretty bad rap for his acting, because he’s pretty bad at it and he’s in mostly garbage movies. However, he managed to squeak out a nice performance in the 1993 “coming of age film*” Dazed and Confused.

*Wikipedia describes a movie that spanned one day as a coming of age film.

Aaron Paul – Cook, Baker, Methamphetamine Maker

Aaron Paul plays Jesse Pinkman on Breaking Bad. He’s always got a creeperstache going on – perfect for a character that makes meth with his old high school teacher.

Aaron Paul is a pretty good actor. I hated him for most of the first season of Breaking Bad, but his character has grown so much over the last 4 years. I know if he read this he’d be so happy. After all, he got into acting to make sure I liked him.

I thought I had too much time on my hands, but here’s a .gif that someone made from last night’s Breaking Bad where Jesse helps himself to a tortilla:

Ben Falcone – Mustaches and Lunch Meat

I’d bet that 95% of the posts I make on Monday have to do with a mustache I saw in a movie the previous weekend. Here is Ben Falcone, Melissa McCarthy’s love interest in Bridesmaids, and real life husband.

I just caught the end of the movie, but it was enough to remind me that this fine gentleman sported a steesh.

Here’s a clip of Ben on Conan talking about the end credit scene where he and Melissa McCarthy ruin some perfectly good sandwiches:

Edmund Lyndeck – “Honey, your boner!”

Honey, your boner

Edmund Lyndeck was an English professor before he decided that 30 hour work weeks and summers off was not his ideal job, and so he became an actor. You might recognize him from his the 2000 Breckin Meyer vehicle Road Trip, where he played the pot smoking grandpa who wasn’t afraid to show off his boner.

He made his movie debut the year before in Adam Sandler’s Big Daddy, where he played an old drunk man. It never came up whether or not he was willing to show off his boner, but we’ll assume he was ok with it.

Big Daddy Clips:

(Not the best quality) Road Trip Clip:

Jack Wallace – Steeshie Nights 3

 

Jack was mainly in the background of Boogie Nights. With the extensive research I’ve conducted,  it seems as if Jack was a theater guy in Chicago, who has now appeared in about 90 movies and tv shows. An interesting factoid about Jack is that from eyebrows to chin he resembles Mr. Belvedere.

Alfred Molina – Steeshie Nights 2

 

If you couldn’t tell, I watched Boogie Nights last night…. for the first time. I suppose it’s no surprise that a movie about the pornography industry in the 1970s and 80s would be stupid with mustaches.

Here is Alfred Molina who had a small but terrific role in Boogie Nights. Now whenever I picture a drug dealer’s house it will always have an Asian man lighting off firecrackers one at a time.

Thomas Jane – Steeshie Nights

 

Thomas Jane likes to talk about how when he moved to Hollywood from Baltimore he was homeless and lived out of his car. I’m not sure if this picture was taken then or if it’s from Boogie Nights (It’s from Boogie Nights – I’m positive because I just watched it last night)?

Kumar Pallana

I don’t want to go a whole day without posting because then there wouldn’t be any new posts for the robots to spam – so here’s Kumar Pallana.

Kumar was the owner of a coffee shop where Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson hung out. He must have been a nice guy because they put him in their movie Bottle Rocket. And they must have like that performance as much as I did because he pops up in a Wes Anderson movie every few years.

Here’s a fun clip from Bottle Rocket where he doesn’t have a mustache but makes me laugh:

Mr. Potato Head

 

Mr. Potato Head is 60 years old. Wikipedia actually had some interesting facts about it –

“It was the first toy advertised on television and has remained in production since its debut. The toy was originally produced as separate plastic parts with pushpins that could be stuck into a real potato or other vegetable. However, due to complaints regarding rotting vegetables and new government safety regulations, Hasbro began including a plastic potato body within the toy set.”

The original concept was great for teaching kids about life and death and how all good things eventually come to an end.

Jonathan Hyde – Titanic Steesh

 

I was going to see the Dark Knight Rises yesterday, but Titainc was on TV so I watched that instead. I don’t have any jokes to make about that, it’s just how my Sunday afternoon went down.

Jonathan Hyde, who looks familiar but it might just be from the last time I saw Titanic, had a beautiful mustache in the film as he depicted Bruce Ismay, the English businessman who served as chairman and managing director of the White Star Line of steamships.

 

Miguel Angel Jimenez gets limber

Miguel Angel Jimenez is a professional golfer, getting paid millions upon millions of dollars to play the goofy “sport.”

Want to be like him? Sure, who wouldn’t. Here’s how he stretches before a round:

Mustached Man Survives Growing Up With The Last Name Gaylord and the Bubonic Plague

Paul Gaylord spent a month in intensive care due to infection from the bubonic plague. According to a Daily Mail article, Gaylord developed the symptoms after he was bitten by a stray cat his family took in. There are some horrifying pictures of what the plague did to Paul that can be seen here, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

I’m glad he’s OK, but when you invite a cat into your home you are asking for this kind of trouble. One minute a cat can be staring through your soul with its human-like eyes as if it wants to kill you; the next minute it can be transferring to you the most deadly virus known to man. You can’t win with these animals.

England Dan & John Ford Coley

England Dan & John Ford Coley were a music group in the 1970s. They are known for their hit song “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight.”

In the song, Dan & John are real coy with their intentions when they call up a woman, claiming they’d be all right with just watching tv with them. But that long hair and mustache tell you otherwise, ladies. They’re coming over to get it on.

When my son or daughter asks me what the 1970s were like, I’ll simply show them a picture of the England Dan & John Ford Coley album above. Seems accurate.

Bob Hoskins and Why The People In Charge Of The Super Mario Bros. Movie Probably Never Worked In Hollywood Again

Surprisingly, the people in charge of the Super Mario Bros. movie got it right that Mario should have a mustache. That’s where their success stopped. We’ve already established that they blew it on Luigi’s mustache.

They also kind of ignored a few key details from the video game, like that fact that Mario and Luigi are fraternal twins of Italian descent. Instead of getting two Italians that look similar, they chose to hire a chubby British guy and a jittery Colombian.

It seems fitting that there are three directors listed on IMDB, because with a movie this bad it’s important that the blame is spread out.

John Leguizamo Didn’t Give a Shit About Your Childhood Memories

After posting the previous picture of Luigi, I just assumed that I could search out John Leguizamo and see his beautiful steesh from the 1993 live-action Super Mario Bros. movie. Boy was I wrong. He played Luigi as a bald-lip.

At least he has had a mustache at some point in his life, as evidenced by the picture above.

But where is his integrity? People want to see movies that are true to the original story. What’s next – Romeo and Juliet set in a modern Florida town  where the feuding families use guns instead of swords?

Luigi – Steeshy Mario Bros.

Luigi is portrayed as the slightly younger fraternal twin brother of Nintendo’s mascot Mario. Luigi first appeared in the 1983 arcade game Mario Bros. It’s sad to say this, but I just now realized that Mario and Luigi’s last name is Mario.

Jason Kidd

It’s not smart to drink and drive. Jason Kidd did just that this weekend, resulting in a smashed up car and an arrest. Luckily for him he didn’t kill himself or injury anyone. He’s been making millions of dollars for the last 18 years.  He has no excuse for not hiring a car service, or a helicopter, or a very large man to carry him around like Uncle Jack did in Arrested Development:

This article says that he was so drunk he needed to be carried to his car, so congratulations to the idiots who carried him out to his car and let him drive home.

Barry Zito is wealthy, mustached

According to SI.com’s list of the top 50 earnings by individual athletes in the United States, Barry Zito is tied for 36th place with 20,000,000 dollars. Zito earned this money while pitching well for a different team over a decade ago. Zito was featured in the movie “Moneyball,” where a pitching staff of Hudson / Mulder / Zito carried the Oakland Athletics to the playoffs & the movie was not a story about how Scott Hatteberg and the trade of Jeremy Giambi carried the Oakland Athletics to the playoffs.