Author Archives: Johnny Gerkins

Sad mustache news: Upper Deck baseball cards co-founder Richard McWilliam has died

richard mcwilliam mustache

Richard McWilliam was a co-found of Upper Deck trading cards. Thanks to Richard McWilliam, I have about 10 copies of this card. I never opened a pack and found the elusive Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card, but I don’t hold that against you Richard. RIP Mr. McWilliam.

Blake Griffin is looking like Sinbad these days

blake griffin mustache

NBA basketball dunker Blake Griffin put on a fake mustache a week ago while answering inane questions like “Will you ever learn how to shoot a basketball?” and “Do you even practice shooting a basketball?” All I know is with that mustache, he’s an earring and and track suit away from becoming Sinbad. Are they remaking House Guest yet?

sinbad mustache

The Beast retires after long career of fighting humans for money

dan severn mustache

Dan “The Beast” Severn retired this week after a long career in which he unneccessarily fought other gentlemen for prizes. Severn fought in 127 MMA fights on record. That’s right, he voluntarily got into a cage to fight another human being 127 times. And Severn fought before there were actual “rules” in place. The ESPN article says he fought in UFC 4…..3 times that night.

One of the cretinous cheapskates who owns the Chicago Bears: George McCaskey

george mccaskey mustache

*If you were to look up “scumbag” in the dictionary, you wouldn’t see George McCaskey’s picture because [a] the dictionary doesn’t have pictures and [b] I don’t think dictionaries are produced anymore. But for arguments sake let’s say the dictionary is still mass produced and does contain pictures, you still might not see George McCaskey’s picture. There’s been a lot of scumbags over time. I forget where I was going with this. Anyways, George Halas owned and coached the Chicago Bears football team, a perenial powerhouse. Since then, the generations of family members that followed have all been Fredo Correleone’s without a single Michael. George is another Fredo. In fact, he’s even growing a mustache like one.

*I don’t know much about the Chicago Bears or George McCaskey. I got my information from people’s twitter feeds. That’s an acceptable source in 2013, right?

The secret to Joe Southwick’s success is a mustache

joe southwick mustache

Joe Southwick, quarterback for the Broncos of Boise State University, looks a little bit like Freddie Mercury. As ESPN points out, Joe recently grew a mustache and won the last 3 games of the season including today’s Vegas Bowl. Congrats, Joe!

Evil Twin Mustache: David Hasselhoff’s Knight Rider twin, Garthe Knight!

david hasselhoff mustache

If you couldn’t tell, that’s David Hasselhoff behind that clever mustache work on the hit(?) television show, “Knight Rider.” I haven’t seen much of the show to give any funny tidbits about The Hoff and his evil twin. All I do know is that Mr. Feeny is the voice of KITT and that’s all you really need to know as far as I’m concerned.

What if they grew a Steesh: This is Zeev Katz, evil twin of Raanan Katz

Raanan Katz Mustache

In the spirit of day time soap operas, we present the mustache of Zeev Katz, the evil twin of Raanan Katz. Raanan Katz has been all over the internets recently for suing Google (dodged a bullet, Bing) for an unflattering still of himself. When you’re rich and bored, you have the time to sue Google.

We want to repeat, REPEAT, that the above picture is Zeev Katz, the evil twin of Raanan Katz. It’s NOT Raanan Katz. I’m trying to put my kid through college with the profits on the website.

Movie Poster Mustache- Death Wish 5: The Steesh of Death

charles bronson mustache

Or Death Wish V, if you want to get fancy.

“No judge.
No jury.
No appeals.
No deals.”

Now that’s a movie tagline, fit for a steeshed vigilante.

Mustache for Charity

mustache for charity

Ebay has everything for sale. You want proof? A man is selling his mustache for charity. Instead of just donating the money straight to the charity like a normal human being, this fella is shaving his mustache, recreating it on pictures of himself, and sending some lucky(?) winning bidder the photos. When it’s done for charity, it’s a noble cause. When it’s done with no charitable donation involved, this man is arrested. Fine line.

Whiskered Cliff – Cliff Curtis

cliff curtis pablo escobar

cliff curtis mustache

Cliff Curtis is an actor from New Zealand who specialized in hispanic steeshed characters in the year 2001. In Training Day, Curtis played Smiley, a mexican gangleader. In Blow, Curtis played Pablo Escobar, drug lord of Columbia.

Whiskered Cliff – Cliff Levingston

New Rainmen coach, Cliff Livington.

Cliff “Good News” Levingston carried the Chicago Bulls to 2 NBA Championships in the early 90s.

Here’s a weird fact about Cliff:

“In 1986, while playing for the Hawks, Levingston had the rare distinction of “fouling into” an NBA game in a game. In a game where Dominique Wilkins and Antoine Carr were injured, Kevin Willis, Scott Hastings, Spud Webb and Levingston fouled out of the game. After Doc Rivers was ejected, the Hawks were down to only four players. Under an obscure rule, Levingston, the last player to foul out, was allowed to come back into the game at the cost of a technical foul.”

The Hawks decided to pass when they realized Cliff would be coming back in and just played with 4.

Whiskered Cliff – Jimmy Cliff

jimmy cliff mustache

Legend of reggae? Big deal. Hakuna Matata from the Lion King? Who cares. Sang on the soundtrack of Cool Runnings, starring John Candy? Now you have my full attention.

Steeshes.com covers the Fiscal Cliff – Whiskered Cliff with Cliff Burton

Cliff Burton mustache

Cliff Burton was the bassist for Metallica before he died in 1986. If Cliff were alive today, I’d imagine he’d have written several Op-Ed pieces for the Wall Street Journal on the insustainability of our government to function for the people with the callous and irresponsible way in which they conduct business. Or maybe he’d just spit in John Boehner’s face. Either way, ya know?

Jon Hamm takes his career to the next level

How many women are instantly going to be pregnant when they see this photo? The Jon Hamm baby boom may cave in the earth when he quadruples the world’s population with this photograph from Adult Swim’s “Greatest Event in Television History.” Greatest event, indeed!

Dock Ellis

Dock Ellis was a pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates who threw a no-hitter while high on LSD*. A no-hitter is hard enough to do, but to do it on LSD is amazing. It must have been real tough not to lose his shit while hallucinating on the mound.

*Dock Ellis never actually threw a no-hitter, but no one had the heart to tell him he was just high in the dugout.

Krzysztof Putra

Krzysztof Putra was a politician from the great country of Poland, but tragically died in a plane crash in April 2010. As Billy Joel said, “Only the incredibly steeshed die young.” At least that’s what I think he said. Billy Joel’s music is ear cancer.

G. Spencer Coggs

G. Spencer is a Wisconsin State Senator in the 6th district and Milwaukee City Treasurer-elect. Spencer is originally from Milwaukee, which is home to Sobleman’s, the best hamburger place on the planet. So Spence is an ok guy.

Spence’s claim to fame is that he has gone from Mailman to State Senator. Only in Wisconsin.

Miguel Angel Jimenez gets limber

Miguel Angel Jimenez is a professional golfer, getting paid millions upon millions of dollars to play the goofy “sport.”

Want to be like him? Sure, who wouldn’t. Here’s how he stretches before a round:

England Dan & John Ford Coley

England Dan & John Ford Coley were a music group in the 1970s. They are known for their hit song “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight.”

In the song, Dan & John are real coy with their intentions when they call up a woman, claiming they’d be all right with just watching tv with them. But that long hair and mustache tell you otherwise, ladies. They’re coming over to get it on.

When my son or daughter asks me what the 1970s were like, I’ll simply show them a picture of the England Dan & John Ford Coley album above. Seems accurate.

Barry Zito is wealthy, mustached

According to SI.com’s list of the top 50 earnings by individual athletes in the United States, Barry Zito is tied for 36th place with 20,000,000 dollars. Zito earned this money while pitching well for a different team over a decade ago. Zito was featured in the movie “Moneyball,” where a pitching staff of Hudson / Mulder / Zito carried the Oakland Athletics to the playoffs & the movie was not a story about how Scott Hatteberg and the trade of Jeremy Giambi carried the Oakland Athletics to the playoffs.

Ernest Borgnine has died at the age of 95

Ernest Borgnine, long time actor & Oscar winner (presumably for BASEketball), has died at the age of 120. He made appearances in over 200 films and television shows. Rest in peace, you cuddly looking fella.