Category Archives: What If They Grew A Steesh…

What If They Grew A Steesh: Michael Myers

 

I just remembered it’s Halloween! No one brought candy to work so I’m not really in the spirit. Here is a picture of Michel Myers from Halloween. I believe this comes from Halloween 4 since it’s the creepiest I could find that was easy to work with.

What If They Grew A Steesh of Anarchy – Katey Sagal

 

Katey Sagal of Married with Children and of course 8 Simple Rules fame plays Gemma Teller Morrow on SOA. She is married to show creator Kurt Sutter. The audition probably went like this:

Kurt: You’ll be reading for the part of Gemma Teller Morrow, the matriarch of the criminal motorcycle club. She’s a bad women who gets what she wants no matter the price.
Katey: I’ll take it.

 

What If They Grew A Steesh: Kelly Ripa

 

Today Kelly Ripa turns 42, making her the oldest little girl in America. She was born in good steesh company, sharing a birthday with Mahatma Gandhi, Groucho Marx, and Johnnie Cochran.

What If They Grew A Steesh: The Women of Bridesmaids

Today is Kristen Wiig’s birthday. I was going to give her a steesh, but I decided to just do the whole gang from Bridesmaids. This might be my Last Supper.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Carli Lloyd

I’ve been avoiding the score of the Women’s Gold Medal Soccer game because my roommates and I planned to watch it tonight. But alas, the internet has won again. Carli is having herself a day with 2 goals.

Will the US hold on to win gold? Is the game already over? Do parents realize Carli is not a suitable spelling for someone over the age of 12? I don’t have the answers for any of these questions.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Alex Morgan

 

Alex Morgan knocked in the winning goal in the US Women’s Soccer defeat of Canada with only a few minutes left. I don’t know much about soccer, but I do know that if I was from Canada I would feel like this 😦 .

If you want women’s Olympic soccer analysis, you’ve come to the wrong place. If you want women’s Olympians with mustaches on their faces, welcome home.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Michelle Rodriguez

Happy Birthday to Michelle Rodriquez. IMDB says she is, “known for tough-chick roles.” So it’s not a stretch to throw a steesh on her. She’s also known for her DUIs, which wasn’t in her description on IMDB, but we were all thinking it.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Khloe Kardashian

It’s amazing that someone can make their whole family famous by releasing a “celebrity” sex-tape with someone who isn’t very famous in the first place. But here I am posting a picture of this woman whose sister had sex with a guy named Ray J.

 

What If They Grew A Steesh: Aubrey Plaza

Happy Birthday to Aubrey Plaza, who is also on Parks and Recreation. When I googled her name, the first related search was “Aubrey Plaza legs.” So congratulations, internet perverts.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Judge Judy

In the year since Oprah passed away, Jude Judy has taken over the top spot for daytime tv ratings. Of course we were all sad to see Oprah go. There’s no doubt that she is up in heaven  suggesting to God design ideas and weight-loss tips.

Judge Judy, who makes a reported $45 million a year ($45 MILLION A YEAR!!!!) had no problem taking in Oprah’s viewers, made up mainly of lonely housewives and people who leave the television on for their animals when they go to work.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Kate Upton

Covering TBS Just for Laughs Festival Chicago was certainly fun (at least for me), but now let’s get back to our regularly scheduled nonsense:

Kate Upton GQ popsicle

Model and Actress Kate Upton is on the cover of GQ to give people the newest reason to love their steesh.

Sarah Silverman’s Pro Choice – TBS Just for Laughs Chicago

On Saturday, Sarah Silverman hosted a line up of comics that included, Reggie Watts, Marc Maron, Kyle Dunnigan (who came out as a character named Craig, who I recognized from Reno 911!), Natasha Leggero, and it all got started by Hannibal Buress, who I had already seen earlier in the week. This was a serious group of comedians, none of which let me down.

Reggie Watts, was probably the most impressive. He showed off his combination of music and improv talents, my favorite of which was a song about a guy who got up to use the bathroom during Reggie’s performance.

Amy Schumer – TBS Just for Laughs Chicago

Last night I attended the TBS Just for Laughs show at Park West headlined by Amy Schumer. She’s got a real mouth on her. I was so excited to go I took a picture of my ticket! That’s like being so excited about your new car that you take a picture of the keys. Who does that?

I do:

When I arrived at the Park West there were a group of TBS employees congregated outside the entrance. They asked me if I would like to spin a prize wheel that hung from the back of one of the employees. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep knowing that I treated a human being like the wheel of fortune, so I declined the spin and went in without a prize (a fun size bag of M&Ms).

When I entered the venue I heard a lady say to the people in front of me that they had some reserved seats for the press. I couldn’t resist at least checking it out. I took the pass out of my pocket and put it around my neck like I belonged there. She walked me down to a booth with a “reserved” sign on it. Again, excitement overtook me and another picture was taken. This time I even Instagramed it. Do you realize how excited one has to be to take a picture of two pieces of paper and then take the time to make it look like it’s from 35 years ago?

I think I got there too early because I sat for about 25 minutes before the show started. I was in the booth by myself for 15 of those minutes. I got a good picture of a guy in front of me who was sporting a nice cookie duster. He looked a little like Matt Walsh, but it wasn’t him.

One last thing before the show started – A guy sat down next to me for 2 minutes, and he said, “Great show last night.” I was pretty confused. It was like the time I talked to my grandma on the phone and 5 minutes in I realized she thought I was my cousin who was in Florida. I just said, “Thank you” and looked the other way. He got up and found a new seat soon after.

Finally it was time for the show to start, but not before TBS showed a 2 minute commercial. Seriously.  And it was the one where they auto-tune clips from Conan, The Big Bang Theory, and Family Guy. Not a good way to get people excited for comedy. After a short M&Ms commercial the show began.

Eric Andre (bonus steesh)

Eric Andre opened the show. I did not recognize him, but later found out he is on Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apt. 23, of which I’ve seen a few episodes. He started slow, probably because he had to overcome a Big Bang Theory commercial, but also because his jokes were a little dated. He spoke of recently seeing the movie Precious and then did a bit about the TV show Cops. I don’t even know if it’s still on the air.

I don’t mind jokes about TV. I watch it a lot,  so I’m into that stuff. Last Saturday I estimate that I watched 14 hours of it. He picked up the pace with some ramblings about the SpikeTV show Manswers. He topped of the night reading a good text message conversations he had with an old fling’s boyfriend who was threatening him like a 1980’s movie bad guy. Overall I think he did a fine job for an opener.

Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer was on the 2007 season of NBC’s Last Comic Standing, but her career really took off when she made a joke about then recently deceased Ryan Dunn. I saw her last summer during a taping of Doug Loves Movies. I knew she was a dirty comedian, but hearing her material proved it.

I enjoyed it very much, but I don’t want to offend anyone (my mom) so I’m not going to go into her act. I especially liked the way Amy handled a scantily dressed woman who wouldn’t delete a picture of her by asking her when the last time she saw her dad.

Amy is taping a special next weekend. I suggest you watch that when it comes out.

Overall, it was a nice experience. I only had to explain to one person that I was there to write about comedy for a site about mustaches.  Tonight I’ll see two shows – Stephen Merchant and Hannibal Buress. Check back tomorrow for another, most likely far less detailed report of my night.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron Short hair

Charlize Theron’s latest movie, Prometheus, was number two at the box office this week, taking in over $51 million. To celebrate, she has given herself an extremely short haircut.

The picture above WAS a picture of Charlize taking her son to a doctor’s appointment. NOW it appears to be a creepy gentleman stealing a child.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Vitamin C

Vitamin C 2012, Vitamin C Graduation

Vitamin C, or Colleen Fitzpatrick as her bosses at Nickelodeon probably call her, is most famous for her song Graduation and it’s the time of year for Graduations. Since this site makes no sense at all, I figured it was important to post this picture.

Here’s the video for people who graduated before 1999:

We Salute You: Newburgh Free Academy

Steeshes.com would like to salute the Newburgh Free Academy. This school honored a former teacher with “Fake Mustache Friday.” There is no greater tribute.

The students & faculty also plan on commemorating this former teacher with a memorial bench. We have a suggestion:

What If They Grew A Steesh: Sarah Phillips

ESPN, Scam

If you haven’t heard of Sarah Phillips, you might pretty soon, unless you watch ESPN. She is a regular contributor to ESPN’s website that has been caught scamming innocent people out of money and websites. If she ever wants another job, she’s going to need a pair of sunglasses and steesh to hide her face.

If you have some time (and you must have some time on your hands if you’re reading this post), check out the Deadspin article that lays out all of her offenses.  It’s pretty crazy stuff.

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What If They Grew A Steesh: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan ELizabeth Taylor

As anyone with a television or internet access knows, Lindsay Lohan finds herself in trouble more than she doesn’t, but today she gets a bit of good news. She will play the role of Liz Taylor in a new Lifetime movie based on Taylor’s life.

Perhaps most once-successful actresses would feel like working on a Lifetime movie is a prison sentence. Lindsay will probably just be happy to be able to wear shoes with laces in them.

What If They Grew A Steesh: Amanda Bynes

It’s Amanda Bynes’ Birthday today, as well. She was never in great movies, so I guess Eddie Murphy is winning this round. She also retired for a few years in her early twenties, so let’s not forget that she is better than all of us.

What If They Grew A Steesh – Heather Morris

Another “celebrity” has had naked pictures exposed on the internet. Heather Morris is on Glee, so I recognize her, but only from commercials and the first 7 episodes that I watched.

A fun fact about Heather is that she doesn’t have the Internet. If she did she would have never taken naked pictures of herself on her phone, because if the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that celebrities who take naked pictures will always get hacked.

I’m not posting the picture, but if you can read this, you can probably figure out how to google it.